12.31.2019

{Tiptoeing my way through 2020}

Every year I try to recollect my thoughts and write a highlight about the year that was. For 2018, I noticed I was happy, but. There’s a but. I wasn’t able to write a yearend piece. Looking back, I gathered that I was consumed off my feelings for someone incompatible with me. I felt confused, scared, exhausted. I lost myself in the process. This year, 2019, I said goodbye to him, and to everything and anyone that resembled him. 

This is the year that made me feel stagnantly calm and troubled at the same time. Big surprises happened: lost one of my biggest clients, said goodbye to someone dear to me, did a few things that weren’t exactly like me. For two years, I felt like I’m in a limbo, forced to learn things beyond my comfort zone, enabled things to happen, tolerated people that are way beyond I could handle. 

I almost drowned in all my anxieties and did things that worried people around me. I felt helpless, tired, and completely lost. Alive but without a purpose. I slept endlessly. Ate endlessly. I lost my appetite. It was drastic. I hated myself for feeling frustrated. I have used people, too, sadly. 

I tried to seek help so I could bounce my way back, only it took longer than I hoped for. I spent a good eight months trying to pick myself up, looking for my purpose, and always ending up feeling useless.

Each day, I wake up and go to bed feeling tired and hopeful that one day this, too, shall pass. That one day came eventually. I took a leap of faith —on people, places, and chances. Some of it proved to be futile, but it was worth it despite all the scratches and scars I got along the way. At times I still feel empty, but no longer as much. I am still stumbling to keep the pieces together but I’m better.

To everyone I’ve been with this year, to the people who left, and especially to the people who stayed, supported me, and waited for me to grow, thank you so much! Fighting a silent battle is difficult, just merely typing these words bring tears to my eyes but I am happy. Genuinely. Each day is a struggle but right here, right now, is beautiful, too.

As we close this decade and welcome a new one, may we all find the courage to conquer unfamiliar territories, strength to ride the waves of life, and wisdom to let go of things, habits, and people that no longer serve us. Above all, may we find love that God wants for us, and keep it. 

Get out.

Find the light.

Do magic. 

Say yes to things that excite you.

Say no and mean it.

Set a boundary between compromise and change.

Move forward.

Cheers to continuous learning and unlearning. To brewing resilience! 💛✨🥂 

#2020 

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